Sam's Diary
by y3lhsa
Summary: Sam's thoughts during the years on SG 1.
1. Chapter 1

**Title:** Sam's Diary

**Rating:** PG 13

**Summary:** Sam's thoughts throughout the first year.

**Author:** Y3lhsa

**Disclaimer:** All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.

Children of the Gods

When I got my new orders for the transfer to Cheyenne Mountain I was so excited. It seems like I had been waiting for this since I had started working on the Program three years ago. Just one week later and I'm wondering what I've gotten myself into. I never imagined that the Stargate could possibly connect to so many different planets or that we would be drawn into a war with parasites that burrow into our brains. It's beyond anything I ever dreamed of and I love it. The possibilities of all we have already and could learn is exhilarating! I am going to explore the galaxy with two of the men who first went through and an alien as well!

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595

While exploring the galaxy sounds very exciting and wonderful, I don't think I imagined the local food and drink to be so much of a problem. If this happens again I might have to forgo _all _native cuisine.

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Emancipation

Playing an instrumental part in liberating a tribe of subservient women definitely made this mission a highlight. Of course, fighting a warlord and winning did feel great. It makes me grateful, somewhat, to Jonas for _encouraging_ me to take self defense and tactics training.

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The Broca Divide/P3X-797

The best thing I can say about this mission is that I discovered that Daniel and the Colonel do indeed have a sense of humor, wry as it might be. I find it refreshing considering I've spent the last several years with the dry factual humor of the scientists I worked with. I do not however want to ever find myself in a situation like this again. Attacking your CO in the locker room is bound to bite you in the butt. The subsequent stab wound not withstanding I came out of this fairly well. Daniel on the other hand... he made some new friends. I don't think Colonel O'Neill is going let go of that any time soon.

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The First Commandment

I should have known having to work in the same facility as Jonas wouldn't be advantageous. I had forgotten just how emphatic he could be when questioned. I suppose the lack of surprise should worry me but he always liked to be in control; of everyone and everything. The only surprise is that it took me so long to realize it. I feel sorry for him and for all those people he worked almost to death, yet I'm also relieved that he no longer has the ability to hurt anyone else.

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Rations and rations only, for the time being. It was only a matter of time before that came into effect. These goa'uld are beyond cruel. To bring these people here to fulfill his curiosity and leave them. It's lucky that they decided to break the statue or who knows how long it would have been before we figured out how to turn the nanocites off. It took awhile but the Colonel is back to normal, of course now it's Daniel's turn to tease him about off-world relations. Too bad we couldn't keep any of the nanocites; it would have been a great opportunity to study new technology.

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Cold Lazarus/P3X-562

Wow, information overload. I guess we still have a long way to go before we learn all there is to know about each other. Daniel is such an open book; I think he makes up for the rest of us. None of us really talk about our lives before we started working here. Teal'c and the Colonel talk even less. I share a little about my father and of course when we ran into Jonas here at the SGC. Other than that, I guess it's going to take time. Lots and lots of time.

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Thor's Hammer/Cimmeria

The Colonel and Daniel have hope now. That one day Share and Skaara will be saved if we can find them. Unfortunately we had to destroy the Hammer but I hope the goa'uld don't find out. At least now we know that there is another race that might be willing to help us. If we can make contact.

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Torment of Tantalus

I never knew that Catherine was ever engaged much less that he had supposedly died working on the Stargate. It was good to see her again, I hadn't seen her since the Colonel came back from Abydos. We used to talk all the time about where the Stargate could possibly go. Now I can tell her all about the planets we have already visited. Ernest seems to be adjusting well and I've never seen Catherine so happy. We haven't been able to get a lock on the planet again and Daniel hadn't stopped complaining since we left. I feel the same, but there wasn't much of a choice.

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Bloodlines/Chulak

Wow, Teal'c has a family. I really had hoped that we could save his son, but at least now Teal'c knows that he is alright. I can't imagine what Teal'c must have been going through all this time wondering what had happened to his family due to his decision to betray Apophis. We still don't have a goa'uld to study, but we now have an ally we can hopefully count on to help us.

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Fire and Water

It feels so good to have Daniel back with us again. When I thought we had lost him it felt so real and yet like a dream. I felt the pain of his death and somehow I still knew he was alive. It was so confusing to have both of those truths side by side in my head. I'm angry that that... creature made us think Daniel was dead just to probe his memory. Daniel would have helped him without the subterfuge and I know the Colonel wouldn't have agreed, but to be tricked like that is cruel. He forgives him for it, just like that. He understands and doesn't hold it against him. I do, I understand, but I can't forgive him for kidnapping Daniel and making us believe him dead.

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The Nox

After all the planets we've visited and friends we've made, it's still not enough. They always want more. We can't just force people to give us what we want. Besides, we haven't even come across anyone who has any technology we could use against the goa'uld. Not until now anyway. Nefreu was a cute kid though. Hopefully one day we will have the chance to prove ourselves worthy of an alliance.

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Hathor/Earth

For the first time in my military career I used my femininity to my advantage and I definitely never want to do that again. I would rather shoot my way clear. Dr. Frasier and I became friends during this and it'll be nice to have someone to talk to besides the guys without having to censor parts of the conversation. Once again we have learned a little bit more about the goa'uld. It's hard to believe that all goa'uld come from one "queen" goa'uld. I'm worried about what she hoped to accomplish when she went to Chulak. She may have learned of Teal'c's family but I'm not sure she would concern herself with them. All of the men are slowly recalling bits and pieces of the last few days so there shouldn't be a problem with memory loss. No one has reported any knowledge she could have obtained that would harm us in the future. Apparently all she needed was an incubator and of course DNA.

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Cor-Ai/Cartago

Watching Teal'c accept responsibility for the death of that man's father made me realize just how much he regrets and is ashamed of the acts he committed while first prime. I sometimes forget that he was the one who took Share and Skaara. Even though he had no choice it must not feel like much consolation to all of the people he has waged war on. Daniel never talks about it, but from what he revealed earlier, he has somehow found a way to forgive Teal'c and accept that he is now a part of our team.

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Singularity/PX8-987

Janet and I talked about what we should do with Cassandra and despite wanting to raise her myself; she should be raised by some one who can have a more reliable influence on her life. I think it's a good idea for Janet to take her in. She would have the benefit of having a doctor who knows about her unique situation. I'm happy also that she will be close by so I can visit often. I never expected that we would grow so close in such a short amount of time, but I don't regret it. It just makes me appreciate what I do even more. Having the chance to know Cassandra and becoming better friends with Janet I feel like we are becoming a family. What with Mark not talking to me and my dad incommunicado it's nice to have people to come home to. If Dad only knew what I was doing now. The Stargate makes NASA look like a kid's play. Which I guess it is in a way.

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Enigma

I would love to have been able to study the Tollans technology further. They are centuries ahead of us technologically. To be able to walk through walls and send messages out into space faster than the speed of light is incredible. For all their advancements I can't imagine living in a world devoid of animal life. I was happy to share Schrödinger with Narim. He seems like a good man and maybe someday we'll see each other again.

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Tin Man

It's strange, knowing that there is now another version of myself out there. To be stuck on a planet without sunlight, Cassandra and Janet. It would drive me crazy being stuck with that weird man and thousands of years to look forward to. I wouldn't be too surprised if they don't bury the gate. I already know the Colonel doesn't always do what he is supposed to.

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Solitudes

We'll be able to go back to active duty again soon. They say we were down there for almost a week before Daniel figured out what had happened. I was so concerned with getting home that I didn't even consider we might already be there. The Colonel is still recovering and from what I hear, he is not the best patient. I'm just grateful we're both alive. The Jaffa we found has been down there for a very long time, but so far no other Jaffa has been discovered. Michele was excited the first time I talked to her and I think her team are also. General Hammond hasn't protested too much so hopefully I'll be able to make a trip down there soon.

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There But For The Grace of God / Politics

I know the theory exists and I've never known Daniel to hallucinate, however I'm having a hard time believing he went to an alternate universe. Even after all I've seen there are still some things that seem too fantastic to actually be real. He had to have gotten that burn somewhere. I guess it doesn't matter much anymore. With the shutdown of the SGC, we've lost all hope of protecting ourselves from the goa'uld Daniel says are coming.

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	2. Chapter 2

Within the Serpent's Grasp/The Serpent's Lair

Daniel really does have nine lives. He's harder to kill than the goa'uld. I've never been more grateful for that. I've grown to really care about him. I don't know how I could ever do this without his moral compass. His compassion and strength help me focus on what's important.

All of this is amazing. I never thought _this_ is how I would be spending my days. Destroying motherships and saving the world. For those few moments looking out at our planet I felt such wonder. Earth is beautiful.

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In the Line of Duty

I hate that he used my relationship with the guys to try to get them to let me go. He used Share like a hostage negotiator. He knew how to get out of the cell. He told me how he would get out of the cell; that I showed him how. I've been all over this base in the past year, I know how everything works. Yet, he didn't do that. He tried to negotiate for his release. He told me over and over again that he would try to gain their trust instead of forcing his way out of the base. I can forgive him for trying to get home. I can even forgive him for taking me when his host was dying. I cannot forgive him threatening Cassandra.

I have discovered that whenever I get near Teal'c I get this funny feeling throughout my body. Like a recognition.

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Prisoners

I've become so use to the goa'uld as the big threat out here that I have forgotten that there are human criminals. I naively thought that everyone on that planet most likely were innocent. I didn't consider that we had been sent to a prison. It wasn't a concern. We focused on getting off that planet, it didn't matter how. She was a woman who had the fear and respect of the people there. She was harmless. We were seasoned soldiers who had dealt with the goa'uld. We had just saved our planet and had been traveling the galaxy for over a year. We've gotten too confident. We assume that humans are good and the goa'uld are bad. That every human culture we come across is honest. Guess we'll have to work on that.

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The Gamekeeper

Daniel and I talked for a while tonight and I wish there were something more I could do. Watching his parents die brought up memories of Mom. It would have been horrible to live that day over again. I don't understand why they would want to live their worst memories over and over again knowing that it will change nothing. They did that for generations and how it didn't drive them crazy is something I don't understand.

We were, however, able to acquire one of the chairs for study. Already I can see the possibilities for its use.

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Need

Daniel is feeling a lot better now that he has been home a couple weeks. The Colonel has been keeping him company on the base and neither of them have left since we've been back. I know the Colonel feels guilty for letting Daniel get caught and I think Teal'c feels some guilt as well. Of course he is still hard to read, but I think we're getting to know him a bit more. He's a great comfort when something goes wrong. I can feel him when he's near and it helps when we get into trouble, knowing he's there.

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Thor's Chariot

I knew it. I knew destroying Thor's Hammer would catch up to us. I've never been happier to seek help than now. Knowing that we have allies willing and able to help; it's… fantastic. I feel as if some of the weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Maybe I won't always have to have the answers.

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Message in a Bottle

Getting into trouble for bringing back new technology is a reminder why I like handling the science side of everything. Teal'c doesn't understand why and listening to Daniel explain is more than I can stand. Colonel O'Neill is better. There are no lasting effects as far as Janet can tell, so we have a couple days off then we're back to exploring.

I came to understand yesterday that working side by side with these men have impacted me more than I realized. We're becoming a family. I'm not sure I know how to handle that.

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Family

I wish we could have brought Teal'c's family back with us. Although that wouldn't be the best solution, he would at least be able to see them more than he does. Of all of us, he has lost the most in this endeavor and I'm afraid he'll lose more before we have the chance to make any kind of tangible difference.

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Secrets

How can he tell me he has opened up a spot for me in NASA and expect me to be grateful? He has no idea what I'm doing but he does know it is classified. That alone should tell him that what I'm doing is important! For him to expect me to take a position he worked to get me is insulting. He doesn't care what I'm doing, that I'm happy with my job. He wants me to give all that up, for him. Then he tells me that he has cancer and to not worry, he's so infuriating!

I feel horrible for Daniel. He has the same restlessness as when we first came back from Abydos. He is determined to find the child, he won't give up. I don't want him to hurt any more than he already does, but seeing Shar'e again has given him hope. I think Amonet will be even more careful now and we will never get the chance to save Shar'e.

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Bane

Teal'c has healed fully and made a new friend. I am amazed that this man who doesn't say more than a sentence at one time has made a friend in the 24 hrs he was off base. I know there is more to him than just a warrior but he doesn't let us see much of it. I saw the father and husband in him when he was talking about her.

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The Tok'ra

Well, this was unexpected. When I started trying to remember parts of the Tok'ra's past, I did _not_ think that I would actually remember anything important. The way she felt, the depth of her feelings, is so much more than I can understand. I still don't remember much of her past. I remember feelings mostly. I feel feelings. It's a bit unsettling having such strong emotions for people I've never met before and yet it's a comfort. I know that she was a good person. Despite her last actions, I know she meant well. She was loved and had loved. She lived. It makes knowing Dad is now a Tok'ra easier.

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Spirits

My first command and I bring aliens into the base. That _has_ to be some kind of record.

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Touchstone

I don't think this is over. I don't think they will give up trying to steal what they want instead of using our allies. Hopefully next time we'll be better prepared.

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A Matter of Time

I should have shut down the gate as soon as I realized what was happening. The advances in our knowledge of black holes will never make up for the lives of those men on that planet. Colonel Cromwell, Major Boyd… they will never come home. All I saw was the science. I know that nothing I ever do will make up for it, but not knowing what could have been done differently… for the first time, I don't like my job.

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The Fifth Race

The Colonel is remembering more and more of what happened after the knowledge was downloaded into his mind. Unfortunately he can't remember (says he can't) any of the knowledge. It was strange and fascinating hearing him speak Ancient and watch him create something without knowing anything about it. Perversely, I wish I had been the one to have gone through it.

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Serpent's Song

I wasn't prepared to see Martouf and Lantesh again. I have a hard time separating Jolinar's feelings for them from my own. I know that I will always feel something for them because of her, but _my_ feelings for them aren't that strong. I don't know them that well and when they are around it makes it so much harder to deal with how I _do_ feel.

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Holiday

For once, I don't care what inventions or technologies that man has created. He stole Daniel as if he were a parasite himself. He would have let him die. If that's the cost of fighting the goa'uld and losing people you love… I do _not_ want to end up like that. I will not sacrifice others in this pursuit. Not willingly and not because I feel I deserve it.

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One False Step

That was embarrassing. Hopefully they'll let that pass. Knowing the Colonel, I won't hold my breath.

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Show and Tell

We haven't had any more Retu scares and hopefully this will dissuade them from attacking us in the future. I've been able to take apart one of the TER's and it has increased our knowledge of the different levels of dimensions that exist parallel to ours. The Colonel won't let me spend much time on it and pretty soon I'll have to put it back together.

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1969

Wow. Just… wow. We must have gone fifty, possibly sixty years into the future. The facility was empty and everything was covered but Cassandra couldn't hide her age. It's reassuring to know that everything will still be here.

I had a good time. Driving cross country like that was an experience. I was only four in '69 so I didn't really get the 60's experience that the Colonel did. I never thought about how much older the Colonel is. He acts so carefree. Sometimes, I forget that he has seen and done so much. I am beginning to understand why he doesn't like to acknowledge the more serious aspects of this life.

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	3. Chapter 3

Out of Mind/Into the Fire

I don't remember anything from the moment we step through the gate to when I woke up inside the ship. The technology they used to cryogenically freeze us is beyond anything we've seen other Goa'uld use. I remember the controls but of course I wasn't focused on figuring out how it worked as I was getting Colonel O'Neill out of there. Everything would have been entirely different if there hadn't been a Tok'ra to help and I continue being alternately grateful and regretful of their assistance and existence.

Seeing General Hammond off world was a great finale to this crazy week. When Teal'c asked Daniel what yee-haw meant I couldn't keep the grin off my face. The look on his and the Colonel's face was hilarious and very memorable. I would have loved to hear the General say that myself.

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Seth

I don't know how I feel about what happened. Logically I was left with no choice. It was instinct, when he pointed the hand device at me I knew what would happen. I didn't need to think about how to get it to work. There wasn't any time for that and I know that it shouldn't matter that he was going to kill me. It does bother me. That I used a weapon created by the goa'uld and utilized to torture and kill. It's more personal; somehow it feels more intimate than a gun or even a knife.

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Fair Game

I've never been a vengeful person. Holding a grudge is pointless and a waste of energy. I would much rather spend my energies on work and friends, something positive. In the last couple years however I've learned that there are some atrocities which cannot be forgiven or easily set aside. I can still compartmentalize enough to accomplish our goals but I find my willingness to take advantage of a situation slightly disturbing. I healed Cronus and I stood in the same room as Nirrti more than once so I know that I can control my instinctive reactions. That is as much a comfort as knowing I need that control is a burden.

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Legacy

I don't believe that the 'gate has caused Daniel's deterioration but I have no means to prove it! They put him in a padded room, the kind I've only ever imagined existed.

Janet kicked me out of the infirmary ordering me to at least rest if not sleep. If I didn't have so much confidence in her I would wonder if what Daniel said was true. Did he really see something go into Teal'c or was it another hallucination?

We came so close to losing Daniel and Teal'c. If Mackenzie hadn't trusted Daniel and waited just a few more hours we wouldn't have been able to save Teal'c … for all the trouble we get into, it's a miracle we continue to pull ourselves out.

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Learning Curve/Orban

As much as I understand the Orbanian's desire to learn as quickly and efficiently as possible I don't agree with their methods. All children should have the chance to be young. At least the children will now have real childhoods, granted it is belated, but at least they won't be shut up in a room for the rest of their lives.

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Point of View

I only made a few notes about the power generator the Colonel created and unfortunately I will never have another opportunity to study it. Of course it did help save Earth from enslavement so really it's a bit selfish to be disappointed.

Daniel has been teasing me since they came back from the other reality. Amazingly, so has Teal'c. I'm not entirely sure he's not actually serious, but as he times his comments with Daniel, I'm fairly certain he's learned the art of Earth humor. The Colonel has been taking it in stride this time and I've followed his lead.

Since the mirror is made of Naquadah, I've suggested that it be stored here but facing a wall until we discover a safe way to destroy it. With any luck that'll be the end of our meetings with alternate realities. I really don't want to meet any more Samantha Carter's married, engaged or otherwise involved with Jack O'Neill.

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Deadman Switch

Dad came for a short visit after we came back with Korra. I never realized how much he likes to gossip. It might just be Selmak's influence but I'm not sure. He and Korra had allot to catch up with and I found myself remembering more about them than before. I told him about Aris Boch and apparently the Tok'ra have already tried to find a way to help his people. Selmak promised to recommend sending any information the council has to us.

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Demons

Having a symbiote has given Teal'c as many lives as Daniel seems to have. Even without having a goa'uld to study, we are learning more about them as time passes just having Teal'c around. After this mission, we're all grateful that Teal'c has Junior. My awareness of a Goa'uld or Tok'ra has become more and more sensitive over time. Teal'c has willingly discussed this with me and on occasion been the one to broach the subject. Always privately and never begrudgingly which I am extremely grateful for.

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Rules of Engagement

We finally evacuated all the men to their home planets. Some of them didn't want to go back to their own world and instead joined friends. We've promised to try to keep in touch as much as we can, however most just want to reacclimate into their society.

Acquiring their weapons has given me a great idea for training new recruits. The General agrees but we still have a year or more before it could conceivably become a reality.

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Forever in a Day

Even though I didn't know her well I know of her through Daniel and I am relieved that Shar'e is no longer suffering. It hurts to see _his_ suffering. He hasn't spoken much except to absolve Teal'c of any guilt and what little he said in the infirmary. Teal'c is either in his quarters meditating or standing just outside the infirmary. The Colonel spends his time in the commissary and I don't know where I should be. So I'm writing and trying to come to terms with her death. Or maybe I'll just join the Colonel.

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Past and Present

I wish I could call Donna or visit somehow. However much I want to, I know how awkward it'll be. She still doesn't remember much and she doesn't remember me at all. I still remember the missions, the overnighters... all the time we spent at pool halls because she believed I should at least be able to put my smarts to some devious use. She doesn't remember teaching me to hustle, or pick locks. She only knows who I am because of all the pictures and I was there in the beginning. It's still hard to remember the look on her face when I would mention something she knew she should know but didn't. I still miss my best friend.

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Jolinar's Memories/ The Devil You Know/Netu

I had to take several steaming hot showers just to rid myself of the heat and grime of that planet. I'm glad we found Dad but if I never had Jolinar's memories of that place… I couldn't tell them just how much I do remember. Even before this mission I remember more than I'm willing to admit. It's just so jumbled and the memories so powerful sometimes. I've found that work keeps the memories from overwhelming me, but that only works for so long. The Colonel and Daniel haven't questioned me about it but I get the impression when it comes up that Teal'c realizes exactly how much I remember.

I had fun with Mark and his family. His kids are great and we spent a lot of time talking and catching up. It's a relief to know he doesn't begrudge me my career and has learned to accept the decisions I've made. He's so relieved to know I work with satellites that he doesn't even consider the possibility it's a cover. Maybe now we can get to the point where we can have an actual conversation.

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Foothold

I haven't gotten nineteen hours of sleep at one time since... ever! The good thing about that is I didn't have to help clean the gate room and I don't feel as guilty about that as I probably should.

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Pretense/Tollana

I have the distinct feeling I lied to Narim. I really hope I didn't though. Jolinar's feelings, while strong, have also given me the ability over time to more clearly distinguish different emotions. I want to ignore the revelations I've had because of this, but I don't want to lie to myself.

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Cassie is starting to ask more questions about this world now. Some of them are more difficult to answer and I'm glad she seems to understand and appreciate the differences. Of course Janet has told me that she does still have trouble with some aspects than others.

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Urgo/P4X-884

I am very grateful to have my mind all to myself again.

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A Hundred Days

I did lie to Narim.

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Shades of Grey

As much as the Colonel's behavior baffles me, the General's confuses me more. I've noticed when no one is paying attention they both seem anxious and contemplative, which, especially for the Colonel, is not normal except on missions. He is going out of his way to push us away and I think I know why.

Daniel came back from the Colonel's very out of sorts. He ranted for a couple hours, but really I think he was hurt and confused. I wish I could reassure him that... just reassure him, but I can't. I am very glad I didn't pull the short straw.

The Colonel hasn't said anything more about the mission and I'm not sure I'm ready to talk about it anyway. Since he said that in front of Teal'c, it's been hard to avoid the new dynamic that's cropped up. Daniel of course is still oblivious and will stay that way as long as possible. Teal'c doesn't seem to feel the need to broach the subject and I think the Colonel feels the same as I... ignore it as long as possible.

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New Ground

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Maternal Instinct

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Crystal Skull

Daniel insists he's alright with his grandfather staying and I really hope he is. One more life down, I wonder how many more he has?

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	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: **If anyone could help me out? I'm still having difficulty with the format. I try to use breaks within the entries, but they won't appear when I upload to the Doc. Mngr. I've tried different ones and they didn't work either, so if anyone knows how I can get it to work or maybe which symbols will load? I'd really appreciate it. Oh, and if anyone is willing to Beta for me?

I'm an S/J fan. Can't help myself and seeing as how this is where it really takes off with them... if you don't want to see it, don't look.

Also, thanks to all that have read this and those who've reviewed! If any of y'all have any complaints or wonder why this or that, just ask and I'll try to explain. Please keep reviewing, I've found it really helps when I'm stuck and not feeling it to keep trying. And I'll shut up now... on with the story!

Nemesis

Once more unto the breach, dear friends. Friends make all the difference when facing death... or 9 days stuck on a planet with nothing but each other for company. Well, one friend. Teal'c left almost right away to spend time with his family. Not that I blame him, the Colonel _was_ being quite... well, himself.

Really, if someone hadn't been walking down the hall right then. . . I would have said yes. And now he knows it, he also now knows why I said no. He did promise not to stop asking and I didn't say it but I hope he doesn't. It wasn't as uncomfortable as I thought it would be. Underneath it all we really are friends, although he does still **confound** me sometimes.

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Small Victories

Okay, I feel _really_ stupid right now. Dealing with Thor, or any advanced race, is mostly great but not this time. I would love to spend some more time studying all the technology they've come up with. Too bad we're too primitive! Small victory indeed.

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The Other Side/Uranda

I don't know what it's like to know my ancestors were bought and sold as property or experienced it myself, but I haven't lived unaware of this country's history. Nor of friends and people I've fought side by side with for several years. Being a woman has sometimes, not all, but sometimes given me problems by men _and_ other women. I still remember the slights there are no comebacks for and insults I didn't let slip. To say I'm sorry about the eventual downfall of the Urandans isn't a lie and yet I hate that people like that make it impossible for some to live without wondering when or where the next attack will come from.

I know Jack didn't want Alar to follow. He tried to get him to stay, but the _damn_ stubborn, idiotic man. Did he really think he would let him through after warning him not to?

Daniel's been asking why I agree with the Colonel on most things and I don't think he realizes we really do have the same background? I'm a military brat who has been following orders, given them myself, and studied strategy for just these situations we encounter all the time. I still occasionally forget that he isn't military. He told me earlier that even though I sir the Colonel and General to death, he also forgets that I'm not completely on his level, although I am a scientist. Oy, speak of the devil.

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Cassie is becoming more and more familiar with Earth customs! Janet warned me about going shopping with her, but I felt so guilty for not spending much time with her lately that I folded. I think I spent about two hundred dollars today. Don't know when I'll get around to wearing anything I bought, but at least I have more choices now. That girl can talk a homeless man out of his coat! I swear most of what I got today was for her. Oh, to see the look on her face though. She's growing up so fast and I feel just as Janet does. I want to keep her close and young. All the horrors out there, she doesn't need anymore tragedy in her life. Teal'c, I know, is teaching her to fight and as much as I wish he wouldn't I understand why. Of course Jack makes her behave much like the little girl who got excited about everything. Oh, boy. I'm babbling to myself!

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Upgrades/PX9-757

Well, I think I'm going to be spending the next few weeks catering to Janet. She _really_ isn't happy with me right now and just because I was under the influence hasn't changed her mind one little bit!

Eight seconds. A lifetime passed in eight seconds.

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Crossroads/Vorash

Teal'c has withdrawn. Every time I approach he finds somewhere else to be. He won't even spar with me. I know he's hurting and I wish there were more I could do for him. Daniel and I rented a movie and spent last night with Janet and Cassie. I feel a bit guilty that we had a good time. I know life moves on, hell, I've been through it myself; yet it seems somewhat disrespectful to move on so easily when someone so close is suffering. Daniel said the only way he'll move on is to "exact revenge" for Shaun'auc's death. Time will tell how long he'll keep his distance and grieve.

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Divide and Conquer

Why did Janet have to be there? I can deal with Teal'c, Janet.. not so easy.

Martouf and Lantesh are gone. I want to go to the ceremony, but... Why didn't we figure it out sooner. Why did all this other stuff get in the way now? Now, when before it was so easy to deal with? The part of me that is Jolinar is so painfully, gut wrenchingly aware of their death that it's hard to think.

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Window of Opportunity/P4X-639

Two day movie marathon. It's been a long while since we've done that. I loved it! Nothing to worry about. I don't think we even left the house. Now I don't even want to look at a pizza 'til the next time we do this. I love my guys.

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Watergate/Siberia

Whatever it is that makes us so different from the Russians, I'm extremely appreciative of it.

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The First Ones

That man amazes me. How he can be kidnapped and still find a way to make them loyal to him is awesome.

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Scorched Earth

Yeah. . . charming! I didn't bother mentioning stubborn, forthright, infuriating, difficult. Funny, caring, gentle. Oh boy, there has to be something to do in the lab. One day at a time Sam, one day at a time.

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Beneath the Surface

How long is it going to take me to get use to this hair? It's not in my way anymore, but I can't think why they would have done that.

I can still feel his arms around me. Soon I'm not going to have enough boxes to compartmentalize.

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Point of No Return

I forgot how much Daniel likes to talk when being held hostage. . . well, I should say likes to ask questions he's been contemplating awhile. I could have done without that. Sometimes he sees so much more than he should. Wouldn't be so bad if he kept it to himself! I really could have gone without knowing about that kiss. Put it in the box with the rest. Like Janet telling Daniel about our confessions. I should have known. Of course it doesn't help that he remembers us as Jonah and Thera.

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Tangent

Neither of them have suffered any ill effects from being exposed to space and luckily they were too worn out to do much more than sleep the rest of the way home.

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The Curse

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The Serpent's Venom

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Chain Reaction

Daniel keeps telling me I'm not to blame, but I can't help feeling responsible. Military through and through. I disagreed with every step of this but couldn't actually say no. No matter the consequences. Teal'c and the Colonel understand.

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2010

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Absolute Power

Teal'c and the Colonel have been crowding my office so much the last couple days it's a wonder I've gotten any work done. I know they don't want to bother Daniel but really, the Colonel has already broken **two** prototypes and Teal'c keeps looking at me with that look in his eyes! Like _I'm_ supposed to know what to do about Daniel. I swear, they really only remember I'm a woman when they don't know what to do. Men.

Daniel finally came round but he still won't tell us anything except to say he learned the lesson Shifu was teaching him. I get the feeling he doesn't want to scare us and I'm okay with that. I just wish he didn't have to go through it. He's so quiet.

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The Light

We shouldn't have done it, we really shouldn't have done it. I wanted to though, all these years. With the way I was feeling, I just couldn't hold back anymore. All the pent up resentment and anger. They shouldn't have followed me, but I knew they would. I don't regret saying any of it, but I do regret the way it all came out. As well that we were yelling at each other in front of _Daniel_ and _Teal'c_. Clearing the air is overrated.

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Prodigy

It's good to know I haven't developed a _huge_ ego. Wow, she's something all right. The Colonel really liked her and I believe she'll do great when we get the program up and running. Which, hopefully, will only be another few months.

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Entity

Janet and the guys have finally left! I really don't remember much after that machine took over, but it was way too much like having Jolinar in the forefront. I do remember trying to get out, up. I felt like I was drowning again. Janet won't let me do anything for several more days and this time I have no inclination to work. I really feel weak.

It's been two weeks and Janet still refuses to let me go home. I feel much stronger but she is so **stubborn**!

Finally! I am home! Teal'c is camped out on the couch but at least I can sleep in my own bed.

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Double Jeopardy

Insatiable curiousity leads me to wonder what they've been doing the last couple years and how different (or similar) they still were to us. At the same time though, I'm not sure I do want to know. Maybe knowing would change something in _us_. I _am_ relieved they won't live for an eternity in such a challenging position.

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End file.
